the raindrops pelted down on my bare head, slided down crossing several turns to finally reach my lips. were the raindrops salty or was it the taste of my own tears. i didnt knew, nor did i give any thought to it. i continued my lonely walk. i had reached the twin karpa hill, and in a few more minutes i would be near the NDA boundary and if everything goes as per plan then i would run away from this god-forsaken place.
few moments later i was able to see the boundary, jutting out from the ground out of nowhere. i had already seen this place when i was learning map-reading from my seniors for my greenhorn camp. they had told me that a road is there 4 km out of the academy which leads to pune city.
i touched the boundary, looked up and saw no wire-mesh. soon i had climbed up the wall and looked down. the boundary was on top of a steep climb. i should have chosen a more suitable place but it really didnt matter.
i swung one leg out of the academy and one leg inside. it wasnt merely raining now- it was pelting. i was soaked to the inside of my skin, and i preferred it that way.
i just had to take one step and i would be out of the academy, but the repercussions would be severe - but not as severe as my staying in academy. i really wanted to escape out of the academy, i had started considering the defence life as a mousetrap - once u get struck, there aint no way out,you get trapped for bloddy twenty years. and what do you get after this long service, barely anything more than respect. i for one, dont give a dime to this so called respect - i would in fact prefer a much more lavish life - in which ill have to compete with the rest of the world and live a life full of competition, full of money and would prefer to live my life as per my own decisions.
i thought of my parents, they have tremendous faith in me and since i got selected, i had seen a visible change in their lifestyle, their attitude. they take enormous pride in the fact that i am about to serve the nation. how would they feel if i suddenly reached home and told them that i had run-away from the academy. possibly on my face they wouldnt blame me but it would really be disheartning for them.
but i really miss my parents here in the academy, i miss their talks, i miss their yelling, i miss the food but most of all i miss their love. i guess if i will run away from the academy then ill be closer to my family. i bet theyll never understand what it is to be trapped; to be behind closed doors with no means of communication - unable to convey my feelings to anyone; let alone myself. sometimes i dont even get to know my feelings, i dont get time enough to do that.
its not like i cant communicate, i can contact my family once a week, but i cant convey my feelings to them, cant tell them how it feels like to live in a burning hell, cant tell them that i want to leave the academy, because if i do then they would spent most of the time wondering what i ma going through. i dont want to make their life miserable. ii cant even think of giving them any cause for sorrow, even unintentionally. but i dont want to stay in the academy either.
i still remember my mother advising me not to go to NDA, but i was adamant - i wanted to fly a su-30. i cant blame anyone for the mess that i am in - people tried to talk me out of this.
what would i say to my parents if i ran away - what would i do? it was my decisions to come here and i dont want my family to mourn because of my one decision. i am trapped in here behind closed doors and i dont know whether to escape this prison or...........
i landed on my feet, and started running, running towards nothing, running away from the nothingness inside me. i didnt even realize when i crossed karpa hill and reached my squadron. the umbilical cord connecting me with my family has been stretched to its limit and i guess reducing its length might actually break it - so i prefer it that way.
the end..............
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